I’ve been thinking about this page and where it started all those years ago – the desire for something good to come out of something bad, to spread kindness when we felt the world hadn’t been kind to us. I have such fond memories of doing those 60 anonymous good deeds. It was a little secret that only Laura and I shared (for the most part) and was something we worked hard at for 18 months.
Back to the present and I’m going through a really difficult time (forgive me for being incredibly vague about this throughout, I have to be). Through all the tough experiences I’ve had in the past, nothing’s quite hit me like this and I’m finding my reaction quite unsettling. I’ve lived through my mum’s terminal illness and death, I’ve seen two of my children stop breathing and just last month was an inch from instant death when two cars collided at high speed right next to me. Where has my resilience gone this time? My only conclusion is that because this time it’s actually happening to me. I’m no longer in the audience watching a show; I’m centre stage in a shit show that I don’t want to be part of.
It’s not even that bad. I mean no one’s ill or dying, my home life is good (albeit as challenging as ever with three under 7s, ASD and a husband with 2 broken leg bones – it never rains!). But, my integrity has been questioned and that hurts. Over the last couple of weeks I’ve spent hours questioning things, revisiting things, wondering and asking myself why.
As ever, though, I’m trying to put on my big girl pants and deal with it because I know that’s not who I am. Whatever happens, this will end up being a positive for me. I’m certain now that this will push me to better things and I plan for 2022 to look different. Before I get there (oh, how I wish I already was!), I’m going to try my hand once again at making something good come out of something bad and throw myself into doing some random acts of kindness. I won’t share what I do; it sits uneasy with me now the blog is no longer anonymous.
But, as well as giving me focus over the coming weeks, doing acts of kindness might (selfishly!) help to ease the physical symptoms of my current situation. The effects of stress hormones on my body have been huge (panic attacks, nausea, palpitations š«) so maybe a dose or two of oxytocin will do me good. Whatever happens, I will be fine. I might be a bit emotionally battered and bruised right now but I know this is temporary.
Love Join Me 